Every Day Good Things Happen

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is his faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in him. Lamentations 3:21-24 

When I’m in a really tight place, or I’m admitted to the hospital again for the 7th time in a year, it can be easy to lose my positive attitude. And while I’ve been told it’s okay and even healthy to “wallow” a little and let myself feel the unhappy moments, it never does me any good to stay in that place. It’s not a life-giving, life-enjoying, life-appreciating place to be. I find it’s much better to shake off the self-pity and begin to wonder about the good things that will happen every day, and then to actively look for those good things. Is it the view from my hospital window? Sometimes, but it’s not always pretty! Once a hummingbird flew up to my 5th story window and entertained me for a bit; that was a beautiful sight in the midst of a brick and mortar metropolis and turned my thoughts instantly to the wonder of God’s creation. Life always conquers.

What is life-giving for me? Other life! The smile of a stranger, a text from a friend, the energy of a child; the bumblebee on flowers, the ebb and flow of morning cicadas, the cry of the mourning dove. I can be grateful for so much before I have even begun my day. Think of how many good things the rest of the day will hold! Yes, life is hard. Yes, there is tragedy in the world every day. But God will never abandon us in those places. When I look for the good, the evil shrinks and loses its hold on my heart. 

On a day when it’s truly hard to find goodness, I think of Fernando Ortega’s song “This Good Day” and I remember that the sunrise alone is a gift. “The world is turning in its place because You made it to. I lift my voice to sing a song of praise, on this good day.”

https://www.google.com/search?q=this+good+day+by+fernando+ortega&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari

Thank you, Lord, for the goodness we’ll discover on this day. Whether it comes through pain relief, an unexpected kindness or a moment of peace in Your beautiful world, You comfort us with Your presence and Your creation. You have not and never will abandon Your people. Rather, You are faithful to be close to the broken-hearted*. Bless all who suffer on this good day; show them Your glory and may they feel Your presence. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

*Psalm 34:18

Questioning God’s Direction

 “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21

The past couple of years have been a rollercoaster of remission and relapse, highs and lows. During the highs, we spent weeks meeting all our travel goals. During the lows, I spent time in the hospital, once for as many as 51 consecutive days. With high hopes that a promising CAR T-cell trial would give me a complete remission and at least a full drug-free year, I discovered instead that it has tethered me to the hospital for the past five months for thrice (and now finally, twice!) weekly blood transfusions. And the cancer? Well, it dropped dramatically to very low levels, but its persistence is worrisome, even after a good bout of cytokine release syndrome.

During my recovery, I have often wondered whether I heard God correctly. Was I really supposed to travel across the country to live away from my family for 3 ½ months? While everything seemed to fall into place so easily, I know that doesn’t always mean it was God’s idea. And yet…I’m still here! I’m able to drive myself now for the 4-hour round trip to the hospital! My counts are slowly recovering, with neutrophils back online, platelets holding for 4 days, and red blood cells holding as many as 12 days. It’s not where I had hoped to be after 5 months, but the prognosis before entering the trial was pretty grim. I took a chance, and even though I barely survived it, by His mercy and grace I've experienced many joys during this difficult season.

For one, the coronavirus quarantine has worked to my advantage, as it meant we had two wonderful young people in our home for several months: our youngest daughter, whose senior year of college ended abruptly, lived here while waiting to move closer to a teaching position this month, and a joyful college student who couldn’t return home to India stayed here until his college reopened this week. Our daughter was a tremendous help with driving me to appointments and making us delicious meals. In addition, two sisters-in-law and a niece moved to our small county for added fun and companionship, and we had numerous birthdays and anniversaries and holidays to celebrate. I’m incredibly grateful to have been here for it all, yet still wondering whether I heard God correctly as my prayer for complete healing goes unanswered. In fact, I need more healing than ever before right now! But today I’ve taken great comfort in the words of Susie Larson in her Daily Blessing for this morning, “Most answers to prayer come subtly, bits at a time. If you’ve been waiting a long time to see a major breakthrough, today’s a good day to look around at all of the prayers God has already answered….Don’t discount the small answers while you wait for the big ones.”

Every day’s a good day to remember what God has done for me. It might be something as subtle as a change of attitude, an opening of my heart where it has become hard, or gratitude that I can walk up the stairs without so much breathlessness. Right now, it’s the joy of being able to put my thoughts down in writing again and finally return to this blog! I need to remind myself to count my daily victories, sometimes hour by hour. God is always there, whispering which way to go. My spirit must be willing and still enough to hear His wise voice. But even if I mess up, I can rest assured that He’ll redirect me in the way that accomplishes His purposes for me.

Thank You, Father, for Your constant faithfulness. You always know when we need encouragement, and You always show up right on time. You know when we are going to mess up, and in Your great mercy and love, You always lead us another way. Thank You for using our trials to bless us, for turning even our difficulties into joys. To You be the honor, glory and power! Amen.

Resting in God's Power and Strength

“Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel—he is the one who gives power and strength to his people. Blessed be God!” Psalm 68:35

A Christian radio speaker once said that at the root of nearly all our decisions and actions is the fear of death. While that may not be true on every occasion, I have applied it to myself many times. Sometimes I won’t witness to my non-Christian friends because of the fear of the death of our friendship. I sometimes drive past those in need of rides or money for fear of being attacked. Our subconscious motivation for working out and eating properly is often to maximize our time on earth. Even positive actions like helping others often find their motivation in a person’s need to do something good before he or she dies, to make a difference that will be remembered. Our society’s preoccupation with death is certainly a driving force.

As cancer patients, we can’t easily ignore this conscious or subconscious preoccupation with death the way we used to. We have to decide every day how to arm ourselves to fight off this attacker, or at least consider the illusion that it is drawing near. Will we use chemotherapy and medicines, or other alternative options such as diet and supplements? Will we meditate and exercise every day? How much time will we devote to thinking about our disease? While I believe it’s important to learn all we can about our illness and to use everything in our armory to heal, developing and maintaining a spirit of peace and contentment is even more critical. We should do all we can but trust God to fill in where we are weak. We can’t do it all, but He can. He will more than make up for our lack.

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” Isaiah 40:29

Dear God, Only You can provide the peace and comfort and strength to withstand our trials. Fill in where we are lacking, Lord, and surround us with your angel army when we are most vulnerable and open to attack. Help us to trust that You will provide for all our needs and will show us the way out. Amen.

Remembering Who God Is

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

After almost 8 years of constant cancer treatments, you’d think I would have conquered fear by now. But fear still creeps up on me when I let my guard down or let busy days squeeze out prayer time. Or sometimes it attacks in the middle of the night, when I begin to wonder about aches and pains that would be normal for most people, but not for a myeloma patient. Recently when I felt a fear attack coming on while driving to an oncology appointment, I heard the Spirit say gently to me, “Dana, you need to remember Who I Am.” I so often forget to look to Him first, to place Him between my life and my circumstances, and to see my circumstances through His love and His plan for me. I like to imagine the cross of Christ between me and every situation, reminding me to look at circumstances and conversations from His point of view, and trusting that He will filter every medical update, discussion, advice—even conversations with people who are difficult to love. Imagining the cross of Christ before me helps me remember to not only be a faithful witness, but serves as a comforting protection that I will hear and receive only what He desires for me.

If I really want to combat fear, I need to focus on the truths and promises in His Word. I need to remember that God’s plan to send his Son to earth was rooted in His great love for me and His desire that I would spend eternity with Him. He wants me to live abundantly and joyfully on this earth, resting in the assurance that He has much greater plans for me. Isaiah reminds us that, “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” (Is. 12:2) Death is not an enemy for the Christian. Conquering our fear of death opens up our lives to the joy that God wants us to have. “With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. (Is. 12:3) I can accept what happens in my life without bitterness or defeat when I remember that God’s plans for me will always prevail, and that I will NOT leave this earth until his perfect plan for my life is complete! To combat fear, I remember Who He Is, and that no greater love exists. Our story on earth will not end until He decrees it. Until then, we can rest in His promise to be with us every step of the way.

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” (Psalm 138:7-8)

Heavenly Father, We need You. We need You every moment of this challenging journey. As you told your people in Isaiah’s time, “If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” (Is. 7:9) How true this is for us! You are the only one mighty to save us. Lead us along the path that is right for each of us, increase our faith in your promises, and help us to trust You with every part of our lives. Help our unbelief, God. Help us to remember that Jesus already defeated death on the cross, and help us to walk in victory. Amen!

Letting God Lead the Way

“I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1—2

Like so many cancer patients, I try to watch what I eat and drink to maximize my quality of life and to support my therapy, hoping always that food, drink, medicine, and prayer will heal me of this disease once and for all. Some days it can be overwhelming to navigate the research available regarding supplements and diets, and the impact that such foods may have—positively and negatively—on my disease. It’s easy to feel guilty for what I eat, as well as for what I don’t eat. 

Last spring I hired a nutritionist to guide me, but several months later I relapsed while on a special herbal protocol. My nutritionist wanted me to try another natural treatment, to “hit it hard” with a blend of burdock seed, poke, baptisia, mistletoe, and other natural poisons. She even called this special formula “Saving Dana”. She is not a quack in medical circles—she teaches nutritional classes to medical students at well-known hospitals and has a pharmaceutical background, and I have the utmost respect for her. But even though I knew her custom blend would never be enough to combat my aggressive disease, it was such a dear, generous, and loving gesture to prepare a special tonic for me that I didn’t want to disappoint her. I took it faithfully while my oncologist ordered a biopsy of a lymph node and we waited for results. A month later, after taking only the special tonic, my numbers were worse than they had been in almost 7 years. God then led me to begin an immunotherapy that my oncologist recommended, thereby “ruining” the alternative treatment and letting the nutritionist down.

I know that many times alternative treatments work, but just as many—if not more times—they don’t. Perhaps the special tonic would have worked in another situation or if I had taken it longer, but my numbers were rising so quickly that I couldn’t take that chance. Nobody can make such a difficult, personal decision regarding a treatment or therapy except the patient. It’s the very same with our response to God. He doesn’t call us all to follow Him in the same way. I know some amazing Christian cancer patients who have been healed by faith alone and not with traditional medicine. In my situation, God has not chosen to work that way but rather continues to lead me to amazing doctors and new therapies that keep my disease at bay, but which do not eradicate my cancer completely. I yearn for Him to take it away forever, but He hasn’t chosen to do that yet.

The most critical thing we can do is pray for God to guide us. He is a God of order, not of confusion, and He will make the path clear for us. We can only follow the path, however, if we are walking in His light, if we are spending time in His word. “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105) When I am swimming in a sea of confusion about which way to go, it’s almost always because I haven’t spent enough time in prayer, or because I haven’t been patient enough to hear His directive. Sometimes I’m so confused that I need to ask others to help me discern His guidance, and that’s okay, too. He doesn’t always speak to us directly—sometimes He speaks through others—but when we abide in Him as his “trusting sheep”, we will always recognize His voice, and we will always find His path.

The next most critical thing we can do is not to judge one another’s decisions, but to pray earnestly for one another. Mother Teresa said: “Criticism is nothing less than dressed up pride. It eats up all the love of God.” We’re all in this together—let’s pray earnestly for each another and not judge one another’s treatment decisions. God does not treat all His children alike—our burdens are not the same—but He loves us equally and passionately and will always do what is right for each of us. What an amazing God we serve!

Dear Lord, We are drowning in options and information in this society! Help us to make sense of the treatments available to us. You have created these marvelous bodies, and You know exactly what they need to be healthy and to fight disease. Help us to hear Your voice and to follow Your lead. Shine Your light on the right supplements, the right protocol, the right doctor. We know that You have amazing plans for each of us, and every day we wake up amazed that You want to use us for another day. Thank You for this gift of love! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Standing Still

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62:5-6 

So many times during my years as a cancer patient my plans are suddenly interrupted by a reminder of my disease, and life comes to an abrupt standstill. The most challenging days are by far waiting for those interminable test results. The hours in my days are difficult to fill with any kind of meaningful focus, and constant thoughts of “what-if” put me in a very vulnerable position spiritually. The “what-ifs” quickly give way to uncertainty, which gives way to fear, which could easily lead to despair. I begin to doubt all the treatment choices I have made in the past, and wonder whether I ever heard God correctly. I begin to doubt my doctor, in spite of the excellent care she has given me for more than 6 years and the undeniable fact that she was brought to me by God just when I was about to make a major mistake at a different hospital. But worst of all, I begin to doubt that God is in control. Have I been following His lead correctly? Am I really where He wants me to be? Why would He bring me to this place?

When life comes to a standstill, I have two choices: fret myself into deeper anxiety as I seek the world’s wisdom and spend more time on research than in prayer, or throw myself on God's mercy and choose to trust that He will lead me when the time is right. I can testify that the first option does nothing to help me sleep at night; it robs me of my daily struggle to have victory over cancer. While researching my disease is not a bad thing in and of itself, the Internet soon becomes my god. Researching blindly brings only greater anxiety; it is only productive when God leads me, and not vice versa. Remembering that He is sovereign, that He is still and forever in control, will always produce peace and will lead to much greater clarity. As Charles Spurgeon so vividly puts it: “Cowardice says, ‘Retreat; go back to the worldling’s way of action; you cannot play the Christian’s part, it is too difficult. Relinquish your principles.’ But, however much Satan may urge this course upon you, you cannot follow it if you are a child of God. His divine fiat has bid you to go from strength to strength, and so you shall, and neither death nor hell shall turn you from your course. What, if for a while you are called to stand still—yet this is but to renew your strength for some greater advance in due time."

Standing still may be God's plan for us; it may be a time to pause and draw closer to Him, in preparation for what is to come. Satan will swoop in during these times to plant all different seeds of doubt; he will try to convince us that we have been on the wrong path. He will do everything he can to pull us away from prayer by convincing us that it is not helping. P.T. Forsyth said that, “The worst sin is prayerlessness” and the root of all sin is self-sufficiency. We must not be tempted to take matters into our own hands! If we have sat at God’s feet and prayed, yet nothing seems to be happening, we must not give up on Him but rather "stand still" and wait for His deliverance. In many times throughout the Bible, God orders His people to “stand still” in order to SEE their deliverance!

1 Samuel 12:16: “Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!”

Exodus 14:14: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Psalm 46:10a: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Every morning, a “Daily Blessing” is delivered to my email address by Susie Larson (info@susielarson.com). This morning’s was particularly fitting and beautiful: “May God give you extra grace to thrive in life even when your heart is breaking. May you enjoy spilling-over-joy even before the breakthrough comes. May you find cause to celebrate and rejoice over all that is right in your world. Refuse to let your angst have the last say. God is the Redeemer and makes all things new. Never give up hope. Keep believing that God is good because He is, and He intends to redeem your story. Blessings on your day.”

Heavenly Father, Grant me the grace to wait patiently for You, and the will power not to take matters into my own hands. Help me to stand still and wait expectantly, with peace and joy, for the deliverance that You have planned. May this time be a period of strengthening and growth. Thank You for Your perfect timing, Your faithfulness, and Your great love for Your people. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Rejoicing in Suffering

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s suffering, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” I Peter 4:12—13

 I’ll never forget the first time our pastor visited me in the hospital. I was feeling very peaceful and even hopeful, despite the grim prognosis and the fact that I couldn’t get out of bed. He proceeded to give me Holy Communion, but when he began the liturgy and referenced the sufferings of Christ, tears began streaming down my cheeks. A sudden realization came upon me that my suffering did not come close to the pain and alienation that Jesus experienced. I realized that in fact, compared with what Jesus endured, my unfortunate circumstance could hardly be counted as “suffering” at all. I was cherished, loved and cared for by family, friends and a compassionate medical team: not betrayed, cast away, and abhorred by man. I was in a comfortable room with pain medication regularly delivered: not struggling in agony for every breath while nailed to a cross. Compared with Christ, I will never experience true suffering. Thanks to Christ, I can instead rejoice in my suffering.

In his message “Why We Can Rejoice in Suffering”, John Piper explains that we as Christians can rejoice because we know God is sovereign over our trials; we know He is faithful to be with us in the midst of our pain; and we know and trust that He is in control of our circumstances. All suffering is purposeful in that “it proves and strengthens real faith.” Our pain may be great, but God can use it for our good. What is another reason Christians can rejoice? Because we know that “….in the hour of greatest trial there is a great consolation. In great suffering on earth there is great support from heaven. You may think now that you will not be able to bear it….[but] the Spirit of glory and of God [will rest on you] in suffering.….The Spirit will reveal enough of glory and enough of God to satisfy your soul, and carry you through.” Piper exhorts and encourages his listeners to “seek to be holy; seek to bring truth; seek to bear witness; and do not turn aside from risk. And sooner or later you will experience the Spirit of glory and of God resting upon you in suffering.”

Holy Lord, we praise You for the peace and joy that Your Spirit amazingly pours out upon us during times of trial. Help us now, Lord, as we cry out to You from this place of pain and suffering. Surround us with Your love and assurance. May we bring glory to You through our trials! In the name of Your son, our Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.