Questioning God’s Direction

 “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21

The past couple of years have been a rollercoaster of remission and relapse, highs and lows. During the highs, we spent weeks meeting all our travel goals. During the lows, I spent time in the hospital, once for as many as 51 consecutive days. With high hopes that a promising CAR T-cell trial would give me a complete remission and at least a full drug-free year, I discovered instead that it has tethered me to the hospital for the past five months for thrice (and now finally, twice!) weekly blood transfusions. And the cancer? Well, it dropped dramatically to very low levels, but its persistence is worrisome, even after a good bout of cytokine release syndrome.

During my recovery, I have often wondered whether I heard God correctly. Was I really supposed to travel across the country to live away from my family for 3 ½ months? While everything seemed to fall into place so easily, I know that doesn’t always mean it was God’s idea. And yet…I’m still here! I’m able to drive myself now for the 4-hour round trip to the hospital! My counts are slowly recovering, with neutrophils back online, platelets holding for 4 days, and red blood cells holding as many as 12 days. It’s not where I had hoped to be after 5 months, but the prognosis before entering the trial was pretty grim. I took a chance, and even though I barely survived it, by His mercy and grace I've experienced many joys during this difficult season.

For one, the coronavirus quarantine has worked to my advantage, as it meant we had two wonderful young people in our home for several months: our youngest daughter, whose senior year of college ended abruptly, lived here while waiting to move closer to a teaching position this month, and a joyful college student who couldn’t return home to India stayed here until his college reopened this week. Our daughter was a tremendous help with driving me to appointments and making us delicious meals. In addition, two sisters-in-law and a niece moved to our small county for added fun and companionship, and we had numerous birthdays and anniversaries and holidays to celebrate. I’m incredibly grateful to have been here for it all, yet still wondering whether I heard God correctly as my prayer for complete healing goes unanswered. In fact, I need more healing than ever before right now! But today I’ve taken great comfort in the words of Susie Larson in her Daily Blessing for this morning, “Most answers to prayer come subtly, bits at a time. If you’ve been waiting a long time to see a major breakthrough, today’s a good day to look around at all of the prayers God has already answered….Don’t discount the small answers while you wait for the big ones.”

Every day’s a good day to remember what God has done for me. It might be something as subtle as a change of attitude, an opening of my heart where it has become hard, or gratitude that I can walk up the stairs without so much breathlessness. Right now, it’s the joy of being able to put my thoughts down in writing again and finally return to this blog! I need to remind myself to count my daily victories, sometimes hour by hour. God is always there, whispering which way to go. My spirit must be willing and still enough to hear His wise voice. But even if I mess up, I can rest assured that He’ll redirect me in the way that accomplishes His purposes for me.

Thank You, Father, for Your constant faithfulness. You always know when we need encouragement, and You always show up right on time. You know when we are going to mess up, and in Your great mercy and love, You always lead us another way. Thank You for using our trials to bless us, for turning even our difficulties into joys. To You be the honor, glory and power! Amen.

What Kind of Sufferer Am I?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

Have you ever been offended by the words of comfort that someone offers you? Shortly after my cancer diagnosis, I bristled when someone shared the truth that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) On the other hand, I felt buoyed when someone offered me false hope, prophesying without conviction, “You WILL beat this!!” I wanted to hear empty words of hope, not the cold, hard truths about how God uses suffering in my life. Because of my own reaction to words of comfort, I have become wary of offering any words to others during their time of distress. It’s so difficult to know what will speak to them and encourage them, versus what will bring added grief and pain.

In his book “Walking with God through Pain and Suffering”, Timothy Keller shares his insights on the diversity of suffering and how the words we use will have a different impact depending on the type of sufferer a person is. Keller writes: “Some people in suffering are tempted toward self-pity and pride, toward feeling like a noble martyr. They need gentle opposition. Others are tempted toward shame and self-hatred. They need assurance.” Keller’s categories, while certainly not applicable to every situation, have been such a help to me.

Just this morning, I was discussing them with a mature Christian friend of mine. She is staying in our home while her family has moved to another city a few hours away. Because she is the bread-winner in the family, she has to stay here to work until her new job begins in a couple of weeks. Going through bankruptcy, losing their home and selling most of their possessions has been a major trial for her, and it would likely have been avoided if her husband had been able to work these past five years, but he has tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to find a position. This friend told me that she always appreciates how I don’t give her any slack, and how my words convict her to pull herself up by her bootstraps, trust God, and get moving, to “walk on water and keep your eyes on Jesus”. At first, I was a bit alarmed to hear my words thrown back at me. “Have I shown you enough compassion?” I asked anxiously, because sometimes I (and many cancer patients, I have learned) don’t view non-life-threatening trials as seriously or as compassionately as they regard a terminal disease. Once I even said to her, after she had given me a list of all the truly distressing events of the day: “Well, all I can say is, at least you still have your health!”

My gracious friend assured me that she has always needed to hear the words that I have to say, and that those who give her too much sympathy or pity do nothing to comfort her. That was when I realized that she must be in the first category of Keller’s sufferers: those “noble martyrs” who need words of “gentle opposition”, Biblical truths that will convict them. My friend’s husband, on the other hand, definitely falls in the other camp. He is beaten down by feelings of uselessness and defeat, fretting that he is unworthy and unable to provide for his family. Tending toward shame and self-hatred, he needs more sympathy and positive encouragement from others, not gentle chastisement.

After neatly categorizing my friends, I realized that I had given very little thought to myself. What kind of sufferer am I? While there is overlap depending on the situation or trial, I must confess that when it comes to suffering with cancer, I would be the former type: the one who falls more easily into self-pity, the victim of my circumstances, the “noble martyr” who perseveres when life, through no fault of mine, throws arrows my way.

When I think “I don’t deserve this disease”, I need a friend to say to me gently: “This is the fallen world in which we live. Jesus didn’t deserve to die for your sins, but he chose to suffer on your behalf, so trust him NOW. Go to him and let him comfort you and fill you with his peace. There is no pain that you are suffering now that he has not endured as well. Rest assured that he has everything under control.”

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

When I believe that I am just a victim of circumstance, I need to be reminded: “You are not a victim; we who are in Christ can claim his promises and his strength! He has crushed the power of sin and death. Claim the victory that you have in Him, and rejoice in this gift. Trust him and look for the ways that he will use this disease to strengthen you and to bless others in your life. Look for the purpose in it and the blessings from it, not just the difficult times and the losses. His grace IS enough.”
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

When I wallow in the self-pitying thought, “Why me?” I need a friend to prick my conscience and say: “How much has the Lord spared you and saved you from in this life that you don’t even recognize and that you never even deserved? Have you even thanked Him lately for all the amazing gifts that He has given you? His grace knows no bounds! Rejoice that He is with you, that He will never leave you! The fact that He is allowing you to go through this trial is proof enough that there is a great purpose in it. Be part of the blessing—let Him use the disease for His glory! Don’t miss out on the miracles that can be achieved through this trial by turning away from Him!”

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1: 2—4

Thank You, Lord, for friends who speak the truth in love, and for Your Word that brings life. Thank You for all the pain that You have spared me from, and all the suffering that You have entrusted me with. Let me rejoice that ALL THINGS—even incurable diseases—can be used by You for the good of those who love You. May my disease be used for Your glory! Amen.

I'm Not Alone in This

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

As I pass the fifth year since my diagnosis of multiple myeloma, I’m amazed at how little this disease has negatively impacted my life. By God’s grace, I can remember more joyful than painful days. My loved ones give me an incredulous look when I say this, and I have to remember that sometimes it is more difficult to watch someone you love struggle than it is to suffer yourself. But even though I mean it—I don’t think cancer has taken much away from me in terms of quality of life—that statement might sound a little disingenuous to those who know what I’ve been through. Yet, when I try to focus on the events that “should” be considered terrible, I’m unable to feel the depth of despair that others assume I should be experiencing. I have worried that I’m in a perpetual state of denial, or perhaps too emotionally shallow, or that my survival instincts are off the charts. But I know the real reason I’m blessed with such a perspective: It’s because I’m not in this alone. I’ve never been alone in this. Jesus has been beside me, holding my hand or even carrying me through all of the traumatic times. By God’s grace, I’m able to dwell on all the joys that each year brings, in spite of cancer, and sometimes even because of it.

I am not in this alone, and if you are a follower of Jesus, you are never alone either. Jesus faithfully continues to carry me through the tough days. His presence changes EVERYTHING. On days when I have to stay home to recover from a treatment, it can be tempting to feel sorry for myself and to let loneliness lead to self-pity. Instead, I’ve come to look upon those times as opportunities. They are precious opportunities to bask in the presence of the One who loves us more than we can fathom. He knows us intimately, loves us deeply, and will comfort us with the most incredible peace and assurance. Spending time with Him not only changes the level of pain and sadness during the trials: it changes my entire perspective on what has been and on what lies ahead. During times of pain or uncertainty, He draws even nearer to me so that my memories of these events have a sweet, almost nostalgic, feel to them. The overriding memory is not the painful suffering, but the way He wrapped me in His reassuring presence. Even today, as I sit home with a virus because of my compromised immune system, I can rejoice that I’m not sitting here alone. I’m not alone. I never will be. And you, believer, are never alone either.

Oswald Chambers writes in his devotional My Utmost for His Highest about Jesus’ promise always to be with us: “When it seems that there is nothing and no one to help you, say to yourself, “But ’The Lord is my helper’ this very moment, even in my present circumstance.” Are you learning to listen to God before you speak, or are you saying things and then trying to make God’s Word fit what you have said? Take hold of the Father’s assurance, and then say with strong courage, “I will not fear.” It does not matter what evil or wrong may be in our way, because “He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you . . .’ ”

Kutless: “Carry Me to the Cross”

Highly Recommended!

A beautiful expression of praise that we are never alone:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0UeOSrTEAs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BahULUIdf0        (lyrics)

Dear Jesus, Thank You for your beautiful presence. Thank you for the grace you show me every day. Thank you for carrying me every moment. Thank you for turning my mourning into dancing, and my trials into victories. Thank you for all the answered prayers—the healings you have performed in the lives of many loved ones, the beautiful way you received our mother into glory this past year, and the testimonies you continue to give our family. Most of all, thank you for your promise never to leave me. I pray that all Your children might receive the blessing of the knowledge and assurance of Your comforting presence. Amen!

Healed Enough for Today

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling…Be still, and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46: 1—3, 10

 

The past few months have certainly tested our family but by the grace of God, our circumstances have not overcome us! After snorkeling with my teenagers one afternoon while vacationing in Mexico, I began walking back to the van when all of a sudden my right femur just…broke. It just broke. It was a very surreal experience, as most experiences are for those living with cancer. I grabbed my daughter’s arm and gently lowered myself to the ground. I was not in great pain, just confused and trying to convince myself that this was not happening to me, and certainly not in Mexico, of all places! My doctor had not wanted me to travel for other reasons, as my immune system was still reconstituting itself after my allogeneic bone marrow transplant 7 months earlier. We knew there was a tumor in my leg and had scheduled radiation to begin the day after our trip, but the radiologist had assured me that the bone was not compromised in any way. Apparently, she was wrong. I spent a day in a small local Mexican hospital where I was never more relieved to have studied Spanish in high school and college, as not a word of English was spoken or understood. A kind, elderly surgeon stabilized my leg, and then my hospital in the States arranged for a leer jet to pick me up in Cancun. Just two days later an orthopedic surgeon inserted a titanium rod in the broken femur, and I was up and walking and heading home.

 

My quick recovery was almost more amazing than the injury itself! Yet, it took some time and physical therapy to regain strength in my right leg, as I learned first to ambulate without a walker and then without a cane. Friends once again rallied around us, bringing us meals and driving me to radiation appointments. I couldn’t believe how quickly I found myself in such a needy, dependent condition. Lord, I thought, I don’t need any more reminders that life is fragile and special and wonderful! I have learned this lesson—You can stop teaching me! But during these four years since my diagnosis of multiple myeloma, I have been practicing a one-day-at-a-time mindset. Life can change so quickly with this disease and events happen so unexpectedly, that every day I try to have my life in order. Every day is special; every single day I have something to be grateful for. I try to soak myself in an “attitude of gratitude”, giving thanks before leaving my bed in the morning, and when the reminder on my cell phone tells me to “give thanks” in the middle of my busy day, and before I fall asleep at night. And God is always so close to me during times of trial that I can feel His presence so much more than during the “easier” times in my life, which never ceases to amaze me and always brings the joy that the apostle Paul writes about in Romans: “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” (Romans 5: 3—4)

 

Last month, I visited my older daughter at college, hoping to encourage her by how well my recovery was going and how much I had already resumed my normal activities. She told me that she had found comfort and inspiration in words I had spoken to her soon after my injury, words I didn’t even remember saying. She had asked me if God was ever going to heal me. I didn’t know, and still don’t know, whether His plan is to heal me completely of this disease. But, I told her, “He’s healed me enough for today.” And that is truly all that matters. He’s given me the strength and the courage and the hope for THIS day. This is the day that matters—not all the tomorrows that have yet to be and that will never be guaranteed to anyone. But look at what He is doing NOW! Today is a great day—I am driving and cooking and working and serving and worshipping an amazing God! What more can I ask of Him? He has healed me enough to live abundantly today, and that is worth all my rejoicing, and why He is worthy of all my trust and hope.

 

Thank You, Lord, for the amazing grace that You pour into my life. You truly are my refuge, my strength, and my “very present help in trouble”. I could not experience abundant living without You! Because of Your presence that surrounds me with such great love, I did not experience fear while alone in a foreign hospital; I did not experience fear over the future. I rested in You and trusted in You, and You were so faithful. Help me to abide in Your presence and Your love every day and never take You for granted. Bless those who need You right now and who are crying out to You for salvation. Rescue them and surround them with the peace that comes only from You, that special peace that surpasses all human understanding. In Your son Jesus’ holy name, Amen.

Today Is As Good As It Gets

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I always love to hear the inspirational stories that are aired during sports programs, particularly this past weekend when the Superbowl dominated all the headlines. I was fascinated with the story of the head coaches—brothers born only 15 months apart—for the 49ers and the Ravens.  According to one commentator, their father played a huge role in their positive attitude and willingness to take risks, encouraging them to appreciate every moment and reminding them daily as he drove them to school: “This is as good as it gets!”  What I love so much about that comment is that he didn’t tell his sons this at the obvious times in life. It’s easy to feel that “life is good” euphoria when you survey the vista before skiing down the back bowls at Vail, sail on Lake Michigan, or sip pina coladas in the Hawaiian Islands. Those moments are special, but they are not a part of daily life for most of us. The true treasures of our lives are found in our daily relationships and opportunities. The gift that Mr. Harbaugh was giving to his sons was the idea that every day is filled with blessings, every day has the opportunity to become a special memory. My mantra is very similar to the Harbaugh family’s, only I stole it from the Carly Simon song “Anticipation.” At some point nearly every week, her beautiful voice plays through my mind, singing, “So stay right here, because THESE ARE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.” These are the moments and the days that I will look back on fondly as “the good old days”, even if they are sometimes challenging days. I have to resist the temptation to pine away for the past, for the way things used to be before I was diagnosed with cancer. I have to resist the temptation to ruin the memories of today by allowing my thoughts to dwell on the fears of what tomorrow might bring. As Carly sings, “I’m no prophet, and I don’t know Nature’s ways.” We don’t know what the future will bring, but we have today—THAT is reason enough to celebrate. I was especially challenged to live out this attitude during my bone marrow transplant, when I had to live away from my family for more than two months. My mother-in-law stayed with me and cared for me, and I tried to appreciate those days as a special time that I would share with her. Rather than feeling resentful that I was living in exile with the same companion day in and day out, I gave thanks to God for that time to heal and to rest and to grow closer to an amazing woman. God in His mercy had given me the grace to realize that the meals she made, the game shows that we watched together, the books we shared and the sweet pedicures she gave me, would someday become a precious memory. Sure enough, just a few months after my recovery, my mother-in-law discovered that her uterine cancer had returned, and she has been struggling ever since. I was incredibly blessed to have been the recipient of her love and care during some of the best months she may have had left. Just a little more than a year later, I can already look back on those days with nostalgia and give thanks to God. In their own way, they were also “the good old days.”

Carly sings it best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NwP3wes4M8

Thank You, Father, for daily reminders of Your goodness and care for me. Every day You surround me with gifts of love and friendship, and You meet all my needs. Thank You for this moment, for the life that You have given me, and for the special memories that I will make today. Help me not to dwell on the past or entertain foreboding thoughts of the future, but to “stay right here” and to embrace today. 

Taking Hold of Life

"They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life." 

1 Timothy 6:18-19

Today we heard wonderful news from a friend with throat cancer. After months of radiation and chemotherapy, his CT scan shows that he is cancer free! He has been through so much physical suffering and is still barely able to swallow even small amounts of liquid, but he stands in awe of how amazing God has been to him. Our treatments have not been anything alike, but our journeys have. By surrendering our situations to the Lord and allowing Him to carry us, we have been able to rest and heal. Our experiences are also alike in the way we have to approach every day—with hope, but not presumption. Cancer patients have an acute awareness that each season might be their last. Of course, nobody is assured that he will walk the earth next fall; but cancer patients are reminded monthly, weekly, daily--dare we say hourly?--of their mortality. We must decide every moment whether to “seize” it or squander it. So, do we call this a curse? Or might it actually be considered a blessing?

In his book The Lies We Believe, Dr. Thurman cites a study by psychiatrist Irvin Yalom who interviewed terminally ill cancer patients. Yalom learned that people who come to terms with their approaching death are more likely to:

-- rearrange their priorities and dwell less on trivial matters.

--enjoy freedom to do the things they want to do, and likewise, not do that which they do not want to.

--enjoy life in the present with “carpe diem” ("seize the day") mentality, not putting things off until after retirement or a later date.

--appreciate nature more fully and have an enhanced awareness of seasonal changes or holiday joy.

--spend time communicating more meaningfully with loved ones.

--be less worried about rejection and more willing to take risks.

It’s ironic that most of us have to experience the reality of death before we can appreciate life. So, are we who have experienced cancer more blessed by the experience than we were before? You and I can only answer that question for ourselves, as it has as much to do with our perception as with reality. But I think that most people, if they are honest with themselves, can find a blessing in their cancer, even if the blessing is that they have learned to appreciate the health they once had! My prayer is that we will not only be able to find the blessings in our situation, but also our purpose. After all, God still has work for us to do.

Father God, You know that this is not the way I wanted to live my life. This was not my plan at all! And it was not Jack’s either. But for whatever reason, You allowed this to be part of Your plan for our families. Thank you for touching him and blessing him and restoring him. Lord, Help us to count the blessings, and help us to use this cancer for Your glory. Bless those who are struggling to find peace, and help us all to live abundantly, with You and in You and through You, Amen.

Thankfulness as Therapy

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

For most of us, an attitude of gratitude does not come naturally. As children, this attitude likely had to be cultivated in us by parents who constantly required that we say “thank you”. A selfish people, we often forget that we are not entitled to anything in this life, and that everything we have is a gift. Every good gift in our lives has been given to us by a perfect, loving God. Until I received my cancer diagnosis, I rarely reflected on what a precious gift the sunrise was, or that the amazing harvest moon that rises in the early evening was lovingly placed there by a Sovereign God. During my A.D. (“After Diagnosis”) days, nature was suddenly filled with beauty that had gone unnoticed during my busy life. The hours I have before me every day are now a precious, precious gift. As a cancer patient, it is tempting to look at the hours I might lose on earth, rather than the hours I have been given. The only way I know to shake off my despair at what I might lose is to focus wholeheartedly on what I have now. By listing my blessings and thanking and praising God for each one of them, my attitude shifts from self-pity to gratitude. If I begin praying in this spirit, my heart often changes by the time I reach my petitions. Many of my petitions don’t seem as urgent or important after I have spent time praising a Sovereign Lord and reflecting on the amazing blessings with which He has surrounded me. And what is one of those greatest gifts? LIFE! I have this day, and many days, to celebrate with loved ones, to make memories and to make a difference.

Last spring, a long-term cancer survivor recommended I read the book The Lies We Believe by Dr. Chris Thurman, and in the book is a chapter entitled “You Are Going to Die.” The author fills the chapter with wonderful quotes from famous trailblazers, such as:

“I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not just exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” –Jack London, after facing death in the Yukon

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside of us while we live.” –Norman Cousins

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well-used brings happy death.” –Leondardo da Vinci

Dr. Thurman ends his chapter with these words: “You have the gift of life to use as meaningfully and abundantly as possible. With all that you have in you, give life your best shot. Remember, pale death beats at your door. Live!” And to that I would add, Be grateful! Thank God for your life and praise Him!

Father , thank You for this gift of life. Thank You for every breath I take, for each time I inhale, and for every time I exhale. Help me to fill each hour of my day with thanksgiving for what You have given me. Help me to rely on Your strength to do this, realizing that I am a weak, selfish person who thinks too much about her own needs and her own desires. Keep me from wasting this precious gift of time, and help me to redeem each hour, for my good and Your glory. In the name of Your precious son, Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.