Today Is As Good As It Gets

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I always love to hear the inspirational stories that are aired during sports programs, particularly this past weekend when the Superbowl dominated all the headlines. I was fascinated with the story of the head coaches—brothers born only 15 months apart—for the 49ers and the Ravens.  According to one commentator, their father played a huge role in their positive attitude and willingness to take risks, encouraging them to appreciate every moment and reminding them daily as he drove them to school: “This is as good as it gets!”  What I love so much about that comment is that he didn’t tell his sons this at the obvious times in life. It’s easy to feel that “life is good” euphoria when you survey the vista before skiing down the back bowls at Vail, sail on Lake Michigan, or sip pina coladas in the Hawaiian Islands. Those moments are special, but they are not a part of daily life for most of us. The true treasures of our lives are found in our daily relationships and opportunities. The gift that Mr. Harbaugh was giving to his sons was the idea that every day is filled with blessings, every day has the opportunity to become a special memory. My mantra is very similar to the Harbaugh family’s, only I stole it from the Carly Simon song “Anticipation.” At some point nearly every week, her beautiful voice plays through my mind, singing, “So stay right here, because THESE ARE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.” These are the moments and the days that I will look back on fondly as “the good old days”, even if they are sometimes challenging days. I have to resist the temptation to pine away for the past, for the way things used to be before I was diagnosed with cancer. I have to resist the temptation to ruin the memories of today by allowing my thoughts to dwell on the fears of what tomorrow might bring. As Carly sings, “I’m no prophet, and I don’t know Nature’s ways.” We don’t know what the future will bring, but we have today—THAT is reason enough to celebrate. I was especially challenged to live out this attitude during my bone marrow transplant, when I had to live away from my family for more than two months. My mother-in-law stayed with me and cared for me, and I tried to appreciate those days as a special time that I would share with her. Rather than feeling resentful that I was living in exile with the same companion day in and day out, I gave thanks to God for that time to heal and to rest and to grow closer to an amazing woman. God in His mercy had given me the grace to realize that the meals she made, the game shows that we watched together, the books we shared and the sweet pedicures she gave me, would someday become a precious memory. Sure enough, just a few months after my recovery, my mother-in-law discovered that her uterine cancer had returned, and she has been struggling ever since. I was incredibly blessed to have been the recipient of her love and care during some of the best months she may have had left. Just a little more than a year later, I can already look back on those days with nostalgia and give thanks to God. In their own way, they were also “the good old days.”

Carly sings it best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NwP3wes4M8

Thank You, Father, for daily reminders of Your goodness and care for me. Every day You surround me with gifts of love and friendship, and You meet all my needs. Thank You for this moment, for the life that You have given me, and for the special memories that I will make today. Help me not to dwell on the past or entertain foreboding thoughts of the future, but to “stay right here” and to embrace today. 

Why Pray When We Can Worry?

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 4—7

There are days when, humanly speaking, it can be difficult to find reasons to rejoice. Chronic pain, continuing illness, insomnia from medication… the list can be quite impressive, especially for a cancer patient. These are often the days when we are most likely not to want to pray. We often withdraw into ourselves and take the burdens of the world on our own shoulders, forgetting that God is there, waiting patiently to fill our hearts with peace and joy. As Christians, we always have a reason to rejoice. No matter what our circumstances, we can rejoice that we are never alone, that He will never leave us, and that He will always deliver us. If we truly believe that God is who He says He is—and He is!—then we will rejoice at the plan He has for our lives, as His way will always be best. If God is who He says He is, then He will never make a bad choice for us. Surrendering our will to His can be scary, but only if we forget who He really is. On those days when I don’t feel like praying, it helps to be still and think about all of God’s attributes. Reading the psalms reminds me of what He has done and what He promises to do. As the knowledge of who He is fills my soul, I cannot help but rejoice that I have this mighty Savior on my side. And the most amazing part is that He actually wants to hear my requests, no matter how small or how constantly I ask for the same things. In return for my cries and pleading, He gives me His peace. And as the Apostle Paul, who was no stranger to suffering, wrote, this peace of God “surpasses all understanding”. We cannot account for it; we cannot explain how we can feel such peace in the midst of such trouble. But it’s there. Just one more promise and provision from the One who loves us.

Thank You, Father, for the gift of peace. Thanks to You, I can rejoice when the world is falling apart around me. I can hand my burden to You, and I can stand tall and strong in spite of worldly pressures. You are faithful and your goodness knows no bounds. I pray for Your peace to fall upon those who need it today. Draw them close to You and wrap them in Your love. Amen.

True Solace

“He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.”       

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

Some of my favorite devotionals are by Charles Spurgeon. Both Morning by Morning and Evening by Evening are among my favorites. One of his writings, “A Solace for Sick Saints”, has much more meaning to those who have walked through the valley of pain and despair:

“They have grown faint, and they fear that they shall never rise from the bed of doubt and fear...”

Isn’t that the truth—physically, emotionally and spiritually—for a cancer patient! The many weeks that I spent recovering from compression fractures were spent in a special hospital bed that my husband imported to our bedroom. Each morning, I would raise myself up, inch by inch, with the little button on the mechanical bed, hoping against hope that I wouldn’t experience painful muscle spasms as I struggled to emerge from my cozy cocoon. And then there was the battle of the mind: This might be it for the rest of your life. Get used to this bed. You might never walk to the mailbox again. Just be happy you can still make it the bathroom, etc., etc… And of course, spiritually I began to doubt God. Why would You allow this to happen? You know that I have children to raise, a busy life to lead, work to do!

“…but the Great Physician can both remove the disease and take away the weakness which has come of it.” Yes, He can and He does and He has. He certainly strengthened my muscles; I’ll never forget the day I stooped down to pick something up and I could rise again all by myself, with nobody's arms to help lift me. Oh, the simple joys of life! And the hours of free time that I had to read, to pray, and to journal played a huge role in my spiritual life, strengthening my relationship with Him as well. He drew me closer to Him as He removed the disease, strengthening body, mind and soul.

“He will strengthen the feeble. This He will do in the best possible way, for it shall be “in Jehovah.””

I will always believe in doctors as instruments of God’s healing power, but there are times He does step in and personally do the work. We should never forget the experiences in our disease that cannot be explained by medicine. They are given to us as a testimony, and we should share them with others. These “mountaintop experiences” will be there to lift our spirits when find ourselves in the valley.

“Our strength is far better in God than in self. In the Lord it causes fellowship, in ourselves it would create pride. In ourselves it would be sadly limited, but in God it knows no bound.”

Our strength is so much better in God because He will never disappoint us and He is never done giving. His strength comes always at the perfect time, and often after we have learned the hard lesson that we can no longer continue by our own strength. When things are going well, I tend to give myself credit for choosing the right doctor, taking the right therapy, and using the right supplements. Meanwhile, I am weakening inwardly as I sacrifice my fellowship with the One who gives me strength. I am soon reminded that there are weaknesses and imperfections in what man can do for me; only Jehovah has the power to meet all my needs.

“When strength is given, the believer uses it. He walks up and down in the name of the Lord. What an enjoyment it is to walk abroad after a season of prostration! The Lord gives His people liberty to walk up and down and an inward leisure to exercise that liberty. He makes gentlemen of us: we are not slaves who know no rest and see no sights, but we are free to travel at our ease throughout Immanuel's land. Come, my heart, be thou no more sick and sorry; Jesus bids thee be strong and walk with God in holy contemplation. Obey His word of love.”

It is indeed a tremendous joy to “walk up and down” again after a long illness. But Spurgeon is also speaking about strengthening our hurting hearts. In those seasons when it is impossible to walk up and down physically, we have the gift of being able to travel throughout Scripture and to see glimpses Heaven on earth, through the letters that God has written to us, through the stories of his faithful witnesses, through long conversations with Him. If we focus on Him, we won’t dwell on our problems nearly so much. In fact, we will seek to do His will for us, and won’t even feel so sorry for ourselves. We will be so strengthened by our fellowship with Him that we won’t feel powerless or defeated. We will rise in spirit and with joy to live out our calling. He will do this for us, because He is faithful. May the joy of the Lord be our strength!

Thank You, Father, for the strength that You are able to pour into these weak bones. Each time I think I’m at the end of my endurance, You pour new life into my heart and I rise again. Strengthen the weak, and fill their lives with purpose and joy. I pray for the lonely, the hurting, the fearful, and all those who feel they have no life left in them. I pray that they will let You meet all their needs.

Taking Hold of Life

"They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life." 

1 Timothy 6:18-19

Today we heard wonderful news from a friend with throat cancer. After months of radiation and chemotherapy, his CT scan shows that he is cancer free! He has been through so much physical suffering and is still barely able to swallow even small amounts of liquid, but he stands in awe of how amazing God has been to him. Our treatments have not been anything alike, but our journeys have. By surrendering our situations to the Lord and allowing Him to carry us, we have been able to rest and heal. Our experiences are also alike in the way we have to approach every day—with hope, but not presumption. Cancer patients have an acute awareness that each season might be their last. Of course, nobody is assured that he will walk the earth next fall; but cancer patients are reminded monthly, weekly, daily--dare we say hourly?--of their mortality. We must decide every moment whether to “seize” it or squander it. So, do we call this a curse? Or might it actually be considered a blessing?

In his book The Lies We Believe, Dr. Thurman cites a study by psychiatrist Irvin Yalom who interviewed terminally ill cancer patients. Yalom learned that people who come to terms with their approaching death are more likely to:

-- rearrange their priorities and dwell less on trivial matters.

--enjoy freedom to do the things they want to do, and likewise, not do that which they do not want to.

--enjoy life in the present with “carpe diem” ("seize the day") mentality, not putting things off until after retirement or a later date.

--appreciate nature more fully and have an enhanced awareness of seasonal changes or holiday joy.

--spend time communicating more meaningfully with loved ones.

--be less worried about rejection and more willing to take risks.

It’s ironic that most of us have to experience the reality of death before we can appreciate life. So, are we who have experienced cancer more blessed by the experience than we were before? You and I can only answer that question for ourselves, as it has as much to do with our perception as with reality. But I think that most people, if they are honest with themselves, can find a blessing in their cancer, even if the blessing is that they have learned to appreciate the health they once had! My prayer is that we will not only be able to find the blessings in our situation, but also our purpose. After all, God still has work for us to do.

Father God, You know that this is not the way I wanted to live my life. This was not my plan at all! And it was not Jack’s either. But for whatever reason, You allowed this to be part of Your plan for our families. Thank you for touching him and blessing him and restoring him. Lord, Help us to count the blessings, and help us to use this cancer for Your glory. Bless those who are struggling to find peace, and help us all to live abundantly, with You and in You and through You, Amen.

A Life of Waiting

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Our family was in serious “wait mode” after my cancer diagnosis. It was almost impossible to make any plans, whether a family vacation, a movie date with friends, or even what to have for dinner that evening! I never knew how I would be feeling, what my blood counts would look like, or how the treatment would change. Just when I thought I was responding beautifully to my therapy, my doctor told me I needed to have an autologous stem-cell transplant as the medicines were no longer working. Waiting for the transplant turned into an 11-month saga as we tried to beat down the cancer in order to make the treatment a success. The intensive chemotherapy regimens resulted in some additional health setbacks, including a sinus infection that ultimately required surgery. 

During this time, my husband changed his ringtone to John Waller’s song “While I’m Waiting”, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-M7oGrOa2I&feature=related) which pretty well summed up our circumstances; we could do nothing but cling to Him, wait for Him, and hope in Him. Music, prayer, relationships, and spontaneous outings kept up our spirits. After almost a year of waiting to have the stem-cell transplant, we eagerly met with my doctor to cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s when she told us the bad news: all the waiting, all the delays, had given the cancer a chance to strengthen. She recommended that I undergo a second transplant, from a donor this time, on the heels of the first. This meant I would not finish treatment for at least 7 more months­­—MORE waiting! 

It wasn’t until two transplants and several procedures later, a total of twenty-eight months after diagnosis, that I heard the beautiful word remission. The wait was long, but thanks to our amazing Father in Heaven, it was never without hope. It was sometimes sad, but true to His word, “joy [came] with the morning.” I was often in pain, but He never once gave me more than I could bear. One of the best gifts was learning to trust Him and being able to testify that He is indeed faithful. We never knew whether I would reach remission, or whether I would recover at all, but we did know that He would never leave our side and that He would carry us through the trial. The testimony that He gave us of His faithfulness was a precious, precious gift. We don’t know the end of the story; we don’t even know the end of this day. But we CAN know that His promises are true, and that even in the worst of circumstances, His Word and His Spirit will give us life.

Poem: “Wait” by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Dear Lord, I am so humbled when I think of all Your good gifts. Help me never to take them for granted. Remind me every moment of every day for the blessings You have given me. Help me wait on You for all my needs, great and small. Fill me with the certainty that my rescue will always come. Your love is sure, and You always help those who trust in You. Thank You for teaching me to trust, even when it is painful. Help me to serve you even—and especially—while I wait. Amen.

Thankfulness as Therapy

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

For most of us, an attitude of gratitude does not come naturally. As children, this attitude likely had to be cultivated in us by parents who constantly required that we say “thank you”. A selfish people, we often forget that we are not entitled to anything in this life, and that everything we have is a gift. Every good gift in our lives has been given to us by a perfect, loving God. Until I received my cancer diagnosis, I rarely reflected on what a precious gift the sunrise was, or that the amazing harvest moon that rises in the early evening was lovingly placed there by a Sovereign God. During my A.D. (“After Diagnosis”) days, nature was suddenly filled with beauty that had gone unnoticed during my busy life. The hours I have before me every day are now a precious, precious gift. As a cancer patient, it is tempting to look at the hours I might lose on earth, rather than the hours I have been given. The only way I know to shake off my despair at what I might lose is to focus wholeheartedly on what I have now. By listing my blessings and thanking and praising God for each one of them, my attitude shifts from self-pity to gratitude. If I begin praying in this spirit, my heart often changes by the time I reach my petitions. Many of my petitions don’t seem as urgent or important after I have spent time praising a Sovereign Lord and reflecting on the amazing blessings with which He has surrounded me. And what is one of those greatest gifts? LIFE! I have this day, and many days, to celebrate with loved ones, to make memories and to make a difference.

Last spring, a long-term cancer survivor recommended I read the book The Lies We Believe by Dr. Chris Thurman, and in the book is a chapter entitled “You Are Going to Die.” The author fills the chapter with wonderful quotes from famous trailblazers, such as:

“I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not just exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” –Jack London, after facing death in the Yukon

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside of us while we live.” –Norman Cousins

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well-used brings happy death.” –Leondardo da Vinci

Dr. Thurman ends his chapter with these words: “You have the gift of life to use as meaningfully and abundantly as possible. With all that you have in you, give life your best shot. Remember, pale death beats at your door. Live!” And to that I would add, Be grateful! Thank God for your life and praise Him!

Father , thank You for this gift of life. Thank You for every breath I take, for each time I inhale, and for every time I exhale. Help me to fill each hour of my day with thanksgiving for what You have given me. Help me to rely on Your strength to do this, realizing that I am a weak, selfish person who thinks too much about her own needs and her own desires. Keep me from wasting this precious gift of time, and help me to redeem each hour, for my good and Your glory. In the name of Your precious son, Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

...Not THIS Day!

“…Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.” Joshua 1:5

This week I’ve felt a burden for cancer patients who are consistently plagued by fear, whether as acute anxiety or a slow, peace-draining worry. I’ll confess that I’ve found fear to be more difficult to deal with than any other side effect of cancer. Friends who’ve been in remission for more than 12 years confide that they are still fearful about their cancer’s return. For the majority of us, the fight against fear must be waged on a daily basis. Fear is like a cancer of the mind, eating insidiously away at our inner peace until we are reduced to weak, empty little vessels paralyzed by a fear of troubles that we don’t even have yet. Just like those malignant cells, fear will always try to sneak back into our lives. Yet we are allowing it to “win”, we are handing our cancer the victory, if we simply accept fear as a normal part of this new life. God’s plan for every day of our lives is that we walk victoriously in His word, in His perfect peace. Throughout the Bible, He gives countless commands not to be frightened, dismayed, terrified, anxious or fearful. Yes, cancer is a frightful enemy, but God is infinitely stronger. Yes, cancer leads to death for many, but Christ has already defeated death on the cross. There is no death for the one who entrusts his soul to The One. Our ultimate salvation aside, the fact is, even without God’s grace and intervention, most folks are going to have an opportunity to defeat their cancer for many, MANY days. In the case of multiple myeloma, novel drugs are practically guaranteeing somewhere between 500 and 2000 victorious days, depending on the statistics that you like to follow. Why should we hand the victory to our cancer for a single one of those days? We all know that in our fallen world, there will come a day when we leave this earth and rise to meet our Maker. We were not created to remain in this world--this world is not our home. But as Aragorn told his men in The Lord of the Rings, "I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails...but it is not this day." As I like to tell myself, a day may come when cancer gets the best of me, but it is NOT THIS DAY. This day is for celebrating the victory of Life over Death, of Joy over Fear, of the Present over the Future, of Heaven over Earth.

The words to the hymn below spoke to my soul so completely this week during one of my daily battles to send fear away. It was apparently sung at the funerals of Teddy Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, and Robert E. Lee, as well as at the deathbed of Andrew Jackson, and has been sung by American soldiers for more than 100 years. By making these words my own, I can “sing away” my fear and defeat cancer yet again, one day at a time. (Emphases are mine.)

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

Thank You, Lord, for this daily victory over my fear. With You by my side, fear has no choice but to flee. Keep us close, Lord. Help us to feel Your presence, Your provision, Your perfect peace. We know that You will never, ever forsake us. You promise always to rescue us. We stand upon Your promises, trusting fully in Your mercy and grace. Amen.