A Life of Waiting

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Our family was in serious “wait mode” after my cancer diagnosis. It was almost impossible to make any plans, whether a family vacation, a movie date with friends, or even what to have for dinner that evening! I never knew how I would be feeling, what my blood counts would look like, or how the treatment would change. Just when I thought I was responding beautifully to my therapy, my doctor told me I needed to have an autologous stem-cell transplant as the medicines were no longer working. Waiting for the transplant turned into an 11-month saga as we tried to beat down the cancer in order to make the treatment a success. The intensive chemotherapy regimens resulted in some additional health setbacks, including a sinus infection that ultimately required surgery. 

During this time, my husband changed his ringtone to John Waller’s song “While I’m Waiting”, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-M7oGrOa2I&feature=related) which pretty well summed up our circumstances; we could do nothing but cling to Him, wait for Him, and hope in Him. Music, prayer, relationships, and spontaneous outings kept up our spirits. After almost a year of waiting to have the stem-cell transplant, we eagerly met with my doctor to cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s when she told us the bad news: all the waiting, all the delays, had given the cancer a chance to strengthen. She recommended that I undergo a second transplant, from a donor this time, on the heels of the first. This meant I would not finish treatment for at least 7 more months­­—MORE waiting! 

It wasn’t until two transplants and several procedures later, a total of twenty-eight months after diagnosis, that I heard the beautiful word remission. The wait was long, but thanks to our amazing Father in Heaven, it was never without hope. It was sometimes sad, but true to His word, “joy [came] with the morning.” I was often in pain, but He never once gave me more than I could bear. One of the best gifts was learning to trust Him and being able to testify that He is indeed faithful. We never knew whether I would reach remission, or whether I would recover at all, but we did know that He would never leave our side and that He would carry us through the trial. The testimony that He gave us of His faithfulness was a precious, precious gift. We don’t know the end of the story; we don’t even know the end of this day. But we CAN know that His promises are true, and that even in the worst of circumstances, His Word and His Spirit will give us life.

Poem: “Wait” by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Dear Lord, I am so humbled when I think of all Your good gifts. Help me never to take them for granted. Remind me every moment of every day for the blessings You have given me. Help me wait on You for all my needs, great and small. Fill me with the certainty that my rescue will always come. Your love is sure, and You always help those who trust in You. Thank You for teaching me to trust, even when it is painful. Help me to serve you even—and especially—while I wait. Amen.