The Limitations of Sickness

“Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.” Philippians 1:18b-19

As one who wrestles with cancer, I sometimes feel like my sickness has the upper hand and has me pinned to the mat. I have to remind myself that by the grace of God, I am the one on top—my sickness is limited and finite and not in control. As a character in the teen movie Penelope puts it: “It’s not the power of the curse, it’s the power you GIVE the curse” that is the problem. But nobody expresses this idea better than Charles Spurgeon, who writes about the limitations of sickness in his devotional “Evening by Evening”. He reminds us that God is control of our sickness and it can only go as far as He ordains. As God’s purpose is always for the “instruction” and not the “destruction” of His people, we can trust that He will carry us through the trial and that He will never give us more than we can bear.

“The God of providence has limited the time, manner, intensity, and effects of all our sicknesses. Each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestinated, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed.” Remembering what God can do through my disease and how all of this can and should be for His glory helps keep me from spiraling down into self-pity. Instead, I can thank Him for the beautiful day that I am living right now and look to see what He has in store for me and for His kingdom. For He still has great plans for each and every one of us—every single day. As long as we draw breath, He has a beautiful purpose for us.

“This limit [of sickness] is wisely adjusted to our strength, to the end designed, and to the grace apportioned. Affliction does not come by chance—the weight of every stroke of the rod—is accurately measured. He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds, and measuring out the heavens, commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls. We cannot suffer too much—nor be relieved too late!” These words of Spurgeon’s are incredibly comforting to me. So often I forget that God will always rescue me in time. How often does He need to do this before I remember it always? He will always rescue me at the exact time that I can bear no more. He will never, ever let me suffer more than the grace that He gives me to endure it. And none of my suffering is ever in vain if I allow Him to work it for good—for His glory, for my benefit as I draw closer to Him, and for blessing those around me. As my youngest daughter told me about three years ago when she was only 13, “Mom, your cancer has brought me so much closer to God.” Her spiritual growth is a blessing that I have thanked God for so many times. That alone stops me in my tracks whenever the “why me’s” begin to plague me.

“The limit is tenderly appointed. The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary. ‘He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men.’ A mother’s heart cries, ‘Spare my child!’ but no mother is more compassionate than our gracious God.” I am awestruck when I remember how much God loves me. He loves me more than any parent, than any human being, ever could. He grieves to see me grieve, and He only allows that grief into my life when He has a beautiful, higher purpose for it. Here on earth, I can’t conceive what that purpose can be, but I can trust that a God whose love for me is so deep and wide and infinite is using all of this cancer to accomplish something beautiful and lasting, and to bless me in ways that otherwise would not have been possible for this strong-willed child.

Lord, help to remind me that cancer never has the upper hand—only You do. You are in control of this sickness. You will only allow it to go so far, and it will never hamper Your perfect plan for my life. This cancer is pinned down and limited by You, and it cannot escape from beneath You. You have rescued me time and again from fear and pain. You seek my good at all times and will never allow disease to thwart Your perfect plan for this day. Praise be to the Father, the Son, and to the Holy Spirit!

Healed Enough for Today

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling…Be still, and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46: 1—3, 10

 

The past few months have certainly tested our family but by the grace of God, our circumstances have not overcome us! After snorkeling with my teenagers one afternoon while vacationing in Mexico, I began walking back to the van when all of a sudden my right femur just…broke. It just broke. It was a very surreal experience, as most experiences are for those living with cancer. I grabbed my daughter’s arm and gently lowered myself to the ground. I was not in great pain, just confused and trying to convince myself that this was not happening to me, and certainly not in Mexico, of all places! My doctor had not wanted me to travel for other reasons, as my immune system was still reconstituting itself after my allogeneic bone marrow transplant 7 months earlier. We knew there was a tumor in my leg and had scheduled radiation to begin the day after our trip, but the radiologist had assured me that the bone was not compromised in any way. Apparently, she was wrong. I spent a day in a small local Mexican hospital where I was never more relieved to have studied Spanish in high school and college, as not a word of English was spoken or understood. A kind, elderly surgeon stabilized my leg, and then my hospital in the States arranged for a leer jet to pick me up in Cancun. Just two days later an orthopedic surgeon inserted a titanium rod in the broken femur, and I was up and walking and heading home.

 

My quick recovery was almost more amazing than the injury itself! Yet, it took some time and physical therapy to regain strength in my right leg, as I learned first to ambulate without a walker and then without a cane. Friends once again rallied around us, bringing us meals and driving me to radiation appointments. I couldn’t believe how quickly I found myself in such a needy, dependent condition. Lord, I thought, I don’t need any more reminders that life is fragile and special and wonderful! I have learned this lesson—You can stop teaching me! But during these four years since my diagnosis of multiple myeloma, I have been practicing a one-day-at-a-time mindset. Life can change so quickly with this disease and events happen so unexpectedly, that every day I try to have my life in order. Every day is special; every single day I have something to be grateful for. I try to soak myself in an “attitude of gratitude”, giving thanks before leaving my bed in the morning, and when the reminder on my cell phone tells me to “give thanks” in the middle of my busy day, and before I fall asleep at night. And God is always so close to me during times of trial that I can feel His presence so much more than during the “easier” times in my life, which never ceases to amaze me and always brings the joy that the apostle Paul writes about in Romans: “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” (Romans 5: 3—4)

 

Last month, I visited my older daughter at college, hoping to encourage her by how well my recovery was going and how much I had already resumed my normal activities. She told me that she had found comfort and inspiration in words I had spoken to her soon after my injury, words I didn’t even remember saying. She had asked me if God was ever going to heal me. I didn’t know, and still don’t know, whether His plan is to heal me completely of this disease. But, I told her, “He’s healed me enough for today.” And that is truly all that matters. He’s given me the strength and the courage and the hope for THIS day. This is the day that matters—not all the tomorrows that have yet to be and that will never be guaranteed to anyone. But look at what He is doing NOW! Today is a great day—I am driving and cooking and working and serving and worshipping an amazing God! What more can I ask of Him? He has healed me enough to live abundantly today, and that is worth all my rejoicing, and why He is worthy of all my trust and hope.

 

Thank You, Lord, for the amazing grace that You pour into my life. You truly are my refuge, my strength, and my “very present help in trouble”. I could not experience abundant living without You! Because of Your presence that surrounds me with such great love, I did not experience fear while alone in a foreign hospital; I did not experience fear over the future. I rested in You and trusted in You, and You were so faithful. Help me to abide in Your presence and Your love every day and never take You for granted. Bless those who need You right now and who are crying out to You for salvation. Rescue them and surround them with the peace that comes only from You, that special peace that surpasses all human understanding. In Your son Jesus’ holy name, Amen.

Accomplishing Great and Noble Tasks

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2: 1—4 

One of the greatest heartaches when someone is diagnosed with cancer is the illusion (and it IS an illusion—nobody knows the future!) that he will never accomplish all of his goals in this lifetime. Our diagnosis is such a call to action, such an urgent appeal to our ego to get moving! It can make us mourn dreams that we never would have acted on even if we had NOT had cancer; everything becomes more important simply because now we may never have the opportunity to do it. I, for example, never liked to run before my cancer destroyed the vertebrae in my spine, but sometimes I find myself mourning the fact that I will never jog again, when I know full well that I WOULDN’T ever go jogging even if I COULD. It is that forbidden or impossible-to-reach fruit that looks most delicious. Instead of mourning what I cannot do, I am trying to imitate an amazing woman who could neither hear, nor see, nor speak. Like most of us, Helen Keller admitted that she longed to accomplish “great and noble” tasks in this lifetime. “But,” she added, “it is my chief duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. It is my service to think how can I best fulfill the demands that each day makes on me, and to rejoice that others can do what I cannot.” 

The more I read that quote, the more amazed I am at her attitude and approach to life. She not only believed it was her “duty”, but also her “joy” to treat every little task as something great and noble. When our energy is compromised by chemotherapy or other treatments, we might barely be able to get dressed, let alone pour a cup of coffee for someone else, or hang up someone’s coat for them. But even those humble tasks can be considered great and noble if we perform them with joy and a servant’s heart. While recovering from my bone marrow transplants, I considered the day a success if I crossed one simple item off my list, such as writing a thank-you note to someone or ordering a gift online. Persevering in such small tasks gave my life purpose and meaning for that day and greatly improved my attitude as I took baby steps toward serving someone else. 

What also strikes me as amazing about Helen Keller’s quote is that she not only thought of ways to serve others, but she rejoiced that others could do what she herself could not! I should be rejoicing that others who love to jog are able to do so, instead of wallowing in self-pity that I do not have the option. I should be rejoicing that others have the energy to do so much for their families and friends, that they are able to live such full lives. I should rejoice for them the way God rejoices over my accomplishments and the things, however small, that I do for Him. Not only is rejoicing in the accomplishments of others the RIGHT thing to do, but it blesses me by infusing more joy into my own life. One of my favorite books is Tommy Newberry’s 40 Days to a Joy-Filled Life, and he states in a chapter about rejoicing in the success of others: If you are secure in God’s love, you know that he has a plan for you, and you are not threatened by others’ talents or successes. Applaud what God is doing through others, because whatever he accomplished in their lives, he can accomplish in yours also….One of the best things we can do to overcome envy or jealousy is to pray for others to be blessed in the way we desire to be blessed.

Dear Father, Help me to shed all feelings of self-pity at what I cannot do. Whenever I think of what I cannot do, remind me of what I am able to accomplish on this day, and help me to rejoice in it. Thank You that I am able to serve my family in small ways, and let me praise You while accomplishing humble tasks. Thank You for how You have blessed those around me with good health, gifts, and talents, and remind me to pray for them every day. I praise You for Your perfect wisdom and for holding me close to You during my trials. Amen.

Miracle Grafts

“God can do that. He can perform miracle grafts…” Romans 11:23

Time and again, I have been amazed at how God speaks to me and how He knows exactly what I need to hear at just the right moment. This past summer I decided to read The Message, a translation of the Bible using modern vernacular. It’s not my favorite translation, but it definitely has merit and can shine new light on old verses. I was quite amazed, for example, to open my Bible to Romans during my bone marrow transplant, particularly at the time that I was worried that the graft (the new donor cells) might not “take”. There is always a period of anxiety when the patient waits to find out what percentage of cells is donor and what percentage is the host. I will often hear patients sob with joy when a doctor tells them they are 100% donor. And so while waiting for my own test results, one day I opened the Bible to calm my nerves and my eyes fell on the following verse: “He can perform miracle grafts.” (Romans 11:23) A coincidence? No such thing! What the world calls a “coincidence” is God in action. I never let myself use the term “coincidence”, as it takes my eyes off God’s miracles. This verse was such a perfect reminder, and at such a perfect time, to place my trust in Him—not in numbers and blood work and statistics, but in the One who can do all things, and who works ALL things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). Of course, Paul is not talking about grafting donor cells when he writes this; he is talking about grafting people (the branches) into Christ (the tree). And that is a comforting thought as well, as Paul reminds us that there is always hope that those who don’t know Christ will find him. And that should be my most urgent prayer—not the prayer for me, for my own successful transplant and remission—but that others would experience the same love, the same reassurance, the same hope, and the same eternity. He can take a single verse and turn it into so many lessons: a reminder to trust Him, a reminder to pray for others, and a reminder that He cares about every little thing on my heart. Oh, and a reminder that He is always right--He CAN perform miracle grafts. My blood is now 100% my beautiful daughter’s, and we are DNA twins. God is good!

Dear God, I am so grateful to be one of your branches, to have been grafted in as a “miracle graft”. Thank You for Your mercy and grace. If You can graft me, with all my sins and flaws, into Your perfect plan of salvation, then I know that You can do it for those who are lost. Don’t let them get away, God, but call them to You. Perform a miracle in their lives, spiritually and physically, and show them Your glory. In Your Son’s name I pray, Amen.

From Strength to Strength

 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

After I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and my father worked hard to put an attractive, adhesive “engraving” above our fireplace mantel that read: “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings as eagles. Isaiah 40:31.” I was confined to a chair next to that mantel where I read those words over and over again, but since I couldn’t even get up from the chair by myself, I couldn’t imagine ever regaining my former strength. Yet I continued to hope and to trust and to pray, and months later I found myself sauntering past those words at quite a brisk pace, smiling to myself at how fortunate I was that the medicine was doing its work. Then I glanced outside where, right in our backyard on a low branch above the stream, were two bald eagles, visiting for that one and only time. Sometimes, God has to send me a visual reminder of all that He does for me, in case I begin to think that I have done it on my own. Yes, the medicine HAD done its work, but I had God to thank for that, too. He promised that I would “soar on wings as eagles” and I think of that when I am enjoying long walks or travelling by airplane to destinations that I didn’t think I would ever see again.

But physical strength is not the most important gift that He has given me. Rather, it is the strength of my mind that has carried me through the ups and downs of the past few years. Many of my most difficult battles have been fought in my mind instead of in my body. Sometimes it’s even easier emotionally to undergo treatment and be actively engaged in fighting my cancer than to enjoy remission. Remission can feel like the “calm before the storm”, particularly with a cancer like multiple myeloma when the relapse rate is high. Training my mind to release all my fears and worries about the future and to focus on the joys of today takes daily work. Sometimes I can only take baby steps, but progress can still be made if I focus on going “from strength to strength.”  (Psalm 84:7) I don’t need to focus on the entirety of the rest of my life (however long that may be), but just on the next moment. He has given me the strength for this day, and He will give me the strength for tomorrow. I might not feel like I have enough strength for tomorrow right now, but He promises that it WILL be there.

A friend sent me a bookmark from one of her favorite devotions (www.dailyword.com) and I tried to read it every day during the first year of my recovery, as an affirmation and a reminder of God’s faithfulness.

The strength of God is present and active within my body and mind. God’s vision for me is wholeness and vitality. I align my thoughts, feelings and beliefs with these truths and remove any barriers I may have built in fear. I open to the flow of divine energy and life that strengthens, sustains and heals me in body and mind.

                Just as divine strength infuses my body, it also empowers me to use my mind constructively. In faith, I focus my thoughts on what I want to experience. If I find myself worrying, I gently set those worries aside and affirm I am strong in body and mind. I draw from the wellspring of divine strength within.

                “The Lord shall guide you continually…and you shall be like a watered garden,…like a spring of water, whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

Lord, give me the strength that I need for this day. Deliver me from all physical, mental, and spiritual weakness, that “I may rejoice and be glad all my days.” (Psalm 90:15) I hold fast to the promise that you have made in Isaiah 41:10: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Letting Faith Arise

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

We want so much to walk by sight, and not by faith! But would knowing the next event in our lives bring any greater peace? I don’t think I would have known peace for years if I had been told in advance that at age 43 I would be stricken with a serious blood cancer. What a blessing it was that God did not allow me to have that information! He protects me by promising to always be with me and to always carry me through the trials; I don’t need to know the future when I can stand on His promises. I don’t need to know the timing of my trials when I can rest in the truth and knowledge that He will carry me through the hard times when they come. I know all of this and believe all of this in my head, but some days, this truth does not rest so easily in my heart. Sometimes, my heart resists fully embracing this truth and the peace that it would bring. Some moments, I can become overwhelmed with anxiety about my situation that I don’t even know how to pray. And I know that I am not the only one. 

About a year and a half ago, I attended a concert by Christian singer Chris Tomlin, and I was struck by a testimony that Tomlin’s pastor Lou Giglio gave on stage. Giglio, who makes wonderful videos on the wonders of creation and who appears to have his life completely together as a faithful Christian, shared that he went through a long period of intense anxiety. His anxiety was so great he could not make it through the night without feeling like he was having a heart attack. His anxiety began to paralyze him physically and emotionally and he could not move through the fear until one day God reminded him of Psalm 46. “Be still, and know that I am God…God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way…The Lord of hosts is with us.” (excerpts from Psalm 46) Songwriter Chris Tomlin wrote a song for his pastor to be used as an encouragement for himself and others, and I have found it to be a great source of peace for myself as well. Reading the Psalms or listening to music based on Scripture can be a great way to get through the times of anxiety, those times when we are so anxious that we don’t even know how to begin to pray. As Tomlin reminds us, sometimes we need to “let faith arise” in our souls to remind ourselves that there IS a healer, that His love IS deeper than the sea, that His mercy IS unfailing, and His arms ARE a fortress for the weak.

Dear God, Sometimes it is so hard to walk by faith. Sometimes my faith seems so small and insufficient that I can hardly remember Your promises. When fear and anxiety threaten to overshadow Your peace and Your truth, Lord, rescue me. Strengthen my faith, open my eyes to Who You are, surround me with Your peace, and shower me with Your mercy and grace. I pray this not just for me, Lord, but for all who struggle with anxiety and fear. In Christ’s name, Amen.

I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbNK50T35wY

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

So let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes
Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever

Victim or Victor?

“How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.” Isaiah 52:7

Robin Roberts, a beloved face of Good Morning America, is watched closely by those living with various blood cancers. In order to combat myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), she chose an aggressive therapy—an allogeneic bone marrow transplant—for reasons that I can fully understand and relate to, having chosen a similar protocol for myself, not once, but twice now. It is, according to most doctors, the only shot at a cure for those with multiple myeloma. And while that cure is not very high at only 20% (I believe it is significantly higher for Roberts’ cancer), it is, as a dear friend from Australia once wrote to me, “still a glass with something in it!” I recently googled Robin Roberts to see how she was doing, as I had heard she caught a virus this spring while travelling, when I came across a very inspiring quote. She said that she doesn’t have a desire to just be done with her treatment and put it all behind her. Instead, she says, “I feel now more than ever that my life has purpose. I think that I am being used for light and love and resilience. For whatever reason, I’m able to touch people, and I’m so grateful for that.”

For whatever reason, Roberts has chosen to embrace her new normal and to use it as a means of blessing others. She has chosen to be the victor and not the victim. I find myself feeling victimized when I start thinking too much about myself and not enough about others. I find myself a victim when I dwell too much on an uncertain future and not enough on the beautiful present. I find I have a victim mentality when I ignore the Word and try to get through the day on my own strength. As the missionary Amy Carmichael once wrote, whatever our need, there is always a word to comfort us in the Bible—always! Our hearts will be lifted so we can lift the hearts of others. They are not lifted just so that we can be comforted ourselves, although we will be. But our hearts will be lifted so that we have something special—comfort, peace, or  joy—to give away. Our God knows what we need; He has an answer to every request and a promise for every situation. But most amazingly, He knows that our greatest need is still to be used by Him, and He promises to still do that in the midst of our trials, just as Robin Roberts is discovering. Our lives, too, can be used for light and love and resilience if we will shake off the mentality of victimization and ask God to use our lives for His purpose.

Thank You, dear Lord, for using so many wise people to remind me of the truth that I need You now more than ever. I need all Your promises to never leave me, to always work for my good, to always be with me in the storm and never to forsake me, more than ever or I will become a victim to my disease. Use me now, and let my life have the good purpose that You intend for it to have. In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.