What Kind of Sufferer Am I?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

Have you ever been offended by the words of comfort that someone offers you? Shortly after my cancer diagnosis, I bristled when someone shared the truth that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) On the other hand, I felt buoyed when someone offered me false hope, prophesying without conviction, “You WILL beat this!!” I wanted to hear empty words of hope, not the cold, hard truths about how God uses suffering in my life. Because of my own reaction to words of comfort, I have become wary of offering any words to others during their time of distress. It’s so difficult to know what will speak to them and encourage them, versus what will bring added grief and pain.

In his book “Walking with God through Pain and Suffering”, Timothy Keller shares his insights on the diversity of suffering and how the words we use will have a different impact depending on the type of sufferer a person is. Keller writes: “Some people in suffering are tempted toward self-pity and pride, toward feeling like a noble martyr. They need gentle opposition. Others are tempted toward shame and self-hatred. They need assurance.” Keller’s categories, while certainly not applicable to every situation, have been such a help to me.

Just this morning, I was discussing them with a mature Christian friend of mine. She is staying in our home while her family has moved to another city a few hours away. Because she is the bread-winner in the family, she has to stay here to work until her new job begins in a couple of weeks. Going through bankruptcy, losing their home and selling most of their possessions has been a major trial for her, and it would likely have been avoided if her husband had been able to work these past five years, but he has tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to find a position. This friend told me that she always appreciates how I don’t give her any slack, and how my words convict her to pull herself up by her bootstraps, trust God, and get moving, to “walk on water and keep your eyes on Jesus”. At first, I was a bit alarmed to hear my words thrown back at me. “Have I shown you enough compassion?” I asked anxiously, because sometimes I (and many cancer patients, I have learned) don’t view non-life-threatening trials as seriously or as compassionately as they regard a terminal disease. Once I even said to her, after she had given me a list of all the truly distressing events of the day: “Well, all I can say is, at least you still have your health!”

My gracious friend assured me that she has always needed to hear the words that I have to say, and that those who give her too much sympathy or pity do nothing to comfort her. That was when I realized that she must be in the first category of Keller’s sufferers: those “noble martyrs” who need words of “gentle opposition”, Biblical truths that will convict them. My friend’s husband, on the other hand, definitely falls in the other camp. He is beaten down by feelings of uselessness and defeat, fretting that he is unworthy and unable to provide for his family. Tending toward shame and self-hatred, he needs more sympathy and positive encouragement from others, not gentle chastisement.

After neatly categorizing my friends, I realized that I had given very little thought to myself. What kind of sufferer am I? While there is overlap depending on the situation or trial, I must confess that when it comes to suffering with cancer, I would be the former type: the one who falls more easily into self-pity, the victim of my circumstances, the “noble martyr” who perseveres when life, through no fault of mine, throws arrows my way.

When I think “I don’t deserve this disease”, I need a friend to say to me gently: “This is the fallen world in which we live. Jesus didn’t deserve to die for your sins, but he chose to suffer on your behalf, so trust him NOW. Go to him and let him comfort you and fill you with his peace. There is no pain that you are suffering now that he has not endured as well. Rest assured that he has everything under control.”

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

When I believe that I am just a victim of circumstance, I need to be reminded: “You are not a victim; we who are in Christ can claim his promises and his strength! He has crushed the power of sin and death. Claim the victory that you have in Him, and rejoice in this gift. Trust him and look for the ways that he will use this disease to strengthen you and to bless others in your life. Look for the purpose in it and the blessings from it, not just the difficult times and the losses. His grace IS enough.”
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

When I wallow in the self-pitying thought, “Why me?” I need a friend to prick my conscience and say: “How much has the Lord spared you and saved you from in this life that you don’t even recognize and that you never even deserved? Have you even thanked Him lately for all the amazing gifts that He has given you? His grace knows no bounds! Rejoice that He is with you, that He will never leave you! The fact that He is allowing you to go through this trial is proof enough that there is a great purpose in it. Be part of the blessing—let Him use the disease for His glory! Don’t miss out on the miracles that can be achieved through this trial by turning away from Him!”

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1: 2—4

Thank You, Lord, for friends who speak the truth in love, and for Your Word that brings life. Thank You for all the pain that You have spared me from, and all the suffering that You have entrusted me with. Let me rejoice that ALL THINGS—even incurable diseases—can be used by You for the good of those who love You. May my disease be used for Your glory! Amen.