Our Times Are in His Hands

“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hand.” Psalm 31:14—15

Last night my husband and I were privileged to attend a healing service for a friend with leukemia. She had a bone marrow transplant in March but it did not eliminate her aggressive cancer cells, and they are quickly multiplying. At the recommendation of a doctor at one of the finest hospitals in the country, she has made a most courageous decision to receive palliative care rather than participate in a trial which will likely rob her of quality of life, and which is not expected to add to her days. She only wants to spend time with her husband and three beautiful children, sailing and travelling while she still feels so well. Looking at her last night, I couldn’t believe she was the same frightened woman that I met almost a year ago. She now exudes strength and peace and praises God for His goodness, telling me how wonderful it is that God can and will take care of her family without her. We talked about the importance of keeping our eyes on Jesus during this trial and trusting, trusting, trusting. We don’t know how it could possibly be God’s will for her to leave her family so soon. We don’t know what good could ever come from her early death. We don’t know why God has not healed her when it is SO easy for Him to do so! We tried to reason it out, but ultimately had to surrender and say, “We just don’t know…. But God does…. And He is faithful.” And so we read the Psalms, and then we prayed, prayed, prayed for her full and complete healing.

Lord, you are the God who heals all our diseases. You have healed countless times throughout history and even in our time. In Your great mercy, Lord, heal my friend. Heal her completely and grant her many more years, just as you did for your servant Hezekiah. Extend her life for the sake of Your Son and for Your glory. Show us Your amazing glory, Lord. We praise You and honor You and thank You, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Keeping Our Eyes on Jesus

“…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith…” Hebrews 12: 1-2

Many years ago, a wise elder of a local church told me to “keep my eyes on Jesus.” At the time, I couldn’t imagine why he was giving me that advice, as I really didn’t have any troubles to speak of. Also, keeping my eyes on Jesus didn’t sound like such a difficult thing. Little did I know that for anyone struggling through a trial—especially a disease like cancer—keeping one’s eyes on Jesus is a constant battle.  So many other items vie for our attention. We look at our tumor markers, our red and white blood cell counts, our platelets, the statistics about our disease, even the trials of the other patients suffering with us. We hang on every word from our oncologist. We devour every new abstract that is published. We are always trying to evaluate our odds. Keeping our eyes on Jesus requires discipline and a great amount of time in prayer and in the Word. But what happens when we DO keep our eyes on our Savior? For me, it means that I filter everything through Him. If I receive disturbing news, I remember that He is between me and the problem. When I push Him aside and look at the problem head-on, it seems enormous, but when I slide Him back into place and look at Him first, the problem seems so much smaller. Nothing is too big, too scary, or too difficult for Him. He’s completely prepared for it, and definitely not surprised by it. I pray for the strength to let Him take it over, and—the most difficult part—I try to not micromanage. He doesn’t need my help, and He will bring all the people, medicine, and any other ammunition to the right place at just the right time. Instead of asking, “Why, Lord?” I try to ask, “What is Your plan for this, Lord? How are you going to use this problem? How will you solve it? What good is going to come from it? How can I be used so that I don’t miss the blessings?” I remember that His thoughts are so much higher than my thoughts, and His ways so much greater than mine. By keeping our eyes on Him we can experience calm during the storm, much as the apostle Peter did while he walked on the stormy sea toward his Savior.

Jesus, help me to constantly remember to keep my eyes on You. When I am about to witness bad news, enable my eyes to see that You are between the problem and myself. Help me to see how much greater You are, how capable You are, how trustworthy You are. You’re not confused about what to do, nor are You unprepared. Thank You for surrounding me, protecting me, and carrying me to safety.

Giving Back

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.” Romans 12:12—13

As I reflect on how many people have prayed for me, driven me to appointments, made nutritious meals, and tutored my children over the past couple of years, I am overwhelmed by the amount of generosity. When I was really sick, I would dream of the day I could “give back” and prayed desperately for that opportunity. Recently, one of my son’s teachers asked me to pray for her daughter, who was moving far away. Shortly after, one of my daughter’s teachers asked me to pray for a close friend suffering from thyroid cancer. That same day, the wife of a newly-diagnosed multiple myeloma patient called, reaching out for a message of hope.  Then at a doctor’s appointment, my oncologist handed me a phone number and asked me to encourage another patient. I’m always a bit nervous after these experiences, because I feel so inadequate. Even after all I’ve been through, I don’t have much advice to give. The truth is, God has done it all, and I have done nothing. But on the heels of my initial feeling of inadequacy is an overwhelming gratitude that I am alive at this moment to help someone else, and I realize that these opportunities are all answers to prayer. I thank God that He has found me worthy for these tasks, and realize that my life has purpose every single day. So that I don’t fall short on my promises to pray for people, I have begun to use a note-card method of prayer that I discovered in Paul Miller’s A Praying Life. One of the note cards is only for cancer patients, and I pray for them all together while letting my eyes rest on each name. Sometimes a particular name stands out, and I spend extra time praying for that person. Without this method, I would never be able to commit to praying for so many, as I would forget half of the needs. I remind myself that this, too, is one of the blessings that has come from my disease, as it has enabled my prayer life to reach a new level that will hopefully make a difference in the lives of others as well. Thank You, Lord!

I thank and praise You, Lord, for new opportunities to reach out and pray for others. May Your Holy Spirit bring comfort, peace, and joy to those who suffer and who need You so desperately. Fill their lives with Your presence and renew their spirits as You also renew their bodies, healing them physically and emotionally. Show them, O Lord, how incredibly precious and valuable they are to You, and how You still have amazing plans for their lives.

Running Out Ahead of God

"I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge--even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you--so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 1 Corinthians 1: 4-9

One of my favorite stories is The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. The experiences she had in the Nazi concentration camp were amazing enough, but I have always been impressed at the wisdom of her father, Casper. When she was a little girl, he told her that some knowledge was too heavy for a child, and so he would bear it for her.  I’ve read the book several times, but reading it for the first time since my cancer diagnosis gave me a whole new take on it. Today, that reminds me of how not even my doctor gave me the full details at times, let alone my loved ones. When I had my allogeneic bone marrow transplant, I was thankfully unaware of all the difficulties that could arise. And it was not until after the first two years of countless, constant treatment that I began to really learn about multiple myeloma, one of those “incurable” diseases that drains the quality of life from its victims before it takes their lives completely. I was protected by loved ones and also by my inherent survival instincts, choosing not to ask the hard questions. But what do we do when it is time to bear the heavy knowledge? How do we live abundantly and joyfully when all the facts point to a grim future? Once again, Casper ten Boom’s wisdom comes to the rescue. When Corrie was afraid of death—particularly of losing her loved ones—her father gently warned her not to run out ahead of God. “When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need in time.” Haven’t I already learned this lesson? God has given me the strength and the grace I need every day so far. When I look at what I’ve endured medically, more remarkable is how He has carried me, even blessed me, through it. For the one who trusts in Him, there is no place for fear or worry. He is faithful, and He will never leave us or forsake us.

Father, thank You for the lives of faithful people such as the ten Booms. Their suffering, while so different from mine, yet carries the same happy assurances from You. For Your grace IS enough, and You will give me the strength I need when the time comes for me to bear more. Let it be a long, long time from now, Lord! Not only for me, but also for those praying this prayer with me. Let our lives be long and full and used for Your glory. But when it is our time, Lord, let us rest in Your arms, filled with Your peace. We know from the countless examples of those who have gone before us, as well as from our own lives and the promises in Your word, that You are always faithful. We thank You and praise You and glorify Your Holy name, Amen.

Looking at the Road Ahead

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90: 12

Francois Fenelon, French priest, royal tutor, and defender of human rights from the late 1600s—early 1700s, once gave this sound advice to a friend: “I know you want to see the road ahead rather than trusting God. Leave everything in His hands without looking at tomorrow. Walk humbly with God.” It amazes me that this was spoken about 300 years ago, when the same advice is so applicable to me! How often I find myself comparing charts on treatments for multiple myeloma, comparing the median overall survival and progression-free survival statistics! Even if the median survival were 40 years from the time of diagnosis (instead of 3-5 years), that would be no guarantee that I would live that long. When it comes to the future, there are no guarantees for anyone. As I am fond of saying to other patients, all we have lost is the illusion of a longer life, which is all anybody has. Each of us, whether or not we are cancer patients, is only guaranteed this moment, right now. Studying statistics, researching the latest medical breakthroughs, and constantly monitoring our disease have their place in our treatment, but they will never bring us the peace we seek. Not until we trust God with childlike faith, looking to Him daily as the source of our strength, walking with him every hour, and seeking His will and purpose for our life at each moment will we be set free from our anxiety about the future. We must get beyond just “living in the moment” and move to “abiding in Him”. Easier said than done…but it’s a worthy, worthwhile goal, as the reward is so great, the quality of life so amazing, and the example we set such a gift to others. We have an opportunity, as those visibly stricken with disease, to model abundant living in spite of our circumstances. I pray that we will not miss this opportunity!

Dear God, Please forgive me for holding on to my anxieties about the future. This is not what You want for me—You bring peace, not fear. Help me to abide in You, to see the work that You are doing in my life, and to seize the opportunities that You bring to me each day. Let me entrust my future to You, knowing that every situation points to Your special purpose and plan for my life.