Why NOT me?

“I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” Exodus 33:19

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through this journey, it’s that my thoughts and feelings are not unique to me. I thought they were at first—I truly thought that I was one of the only people to move from “Why me, Lord?” to that humbling awareness of “Why NOT me??” We realize that we are not immune, not exempt, from the dangers and diseases of this world. Our diagnosis has shattered that feeling of control and invincibility. Although it was a false illusion, we once felt powerful, in charge of our destiny, even immortal. We now realize that we are no more special than the next person. This conscious thought is often followed by an even more troubling discovery, and that is the realization that we are much less worthy of rescue from this trial than others who have suffered from this disease. We have known some amazing Christians who were not healed. What makes me so special that God should have mercy on me? Truthfully, not a thing. But thankfully, God is sovereign. We can trust Him, because “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” (Romans 8:28) His decision on whether or not to heal me from this disease depends on what is best for me. In my eyes, healing is always best! We should never stop asking for what we want, but we should trust Him and thank Him for what He gives.

 Father God, forgive me for not trusting you with my whole heart. Forgive the doubts and fears that assail me, and help me to remember that Your strength, Your grace, and Your mercy are enough. My life is safe in Your hands, and I need not fear the arrows that fly by day, or the pestilence that stalks by night. I only need to commit my life into Your safekeeping. Remind me daily, Lord, that You are in control, and that You will always act for my good.